Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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