My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
