Where did you get a picture of my penis
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
