Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
