Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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