I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
