Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
