Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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