So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
