Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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