I hope mine doesn't look like that
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
