I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
