there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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