The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
