shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He passed out mid-signature
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
