I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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