Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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