Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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