you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.