I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
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He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
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He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP