I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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