last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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