last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
