Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
