4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
