strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
