Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
