You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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