You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
