am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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