My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
