It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
