how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
