It's like God shit irony all over that family
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
