Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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