Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
