Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
