What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
