Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
