Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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