On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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