Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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