If that was your dad, he is hot
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
