we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
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