I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
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yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
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The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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