but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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