I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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