he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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