I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
