we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
