I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I would fuck him just for his dog
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
