im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
