11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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