It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
