im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
