New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
