i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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