How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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