the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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