just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
