Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(740): View more from Ohio

hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara

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(949): View more from California

i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?

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(830): View more from Texas

Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

Aw.

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(516): View more from New York

today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday

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