proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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